I can suck it up.

My grandmother is dying. As much as I want to kid myself otherwise, she will most likely be dead before summer vacation starts. She has dementia, so she can't remember anything or anyone. In her mind, it's the seventies. She thinks my mother is the help, and I'm my mother. She keeps on asking for her husband, although they got divorced in the eighties, and then he died in '94. She broke her hip a year back, so she is now wheelchair bound. She has Pneumonia now, and getting sick that seriously at her age is pretty bad. On top of everything else, she now won't eat. She chokes on liquids and solids, so she has to get fed an in between. Things like ice-cream, thick yogurt. But, how long can you live off of that? And, to top it all of, she now has MRSA. MRSA is a skin eating bacteria. So, to visit her at the hospital, I now have to wear a full gown, gloves, and a face mask.
I feel so wicked about thinking this, but, she's being tortured. At least dying would bring her peace? Now, when I first heard this, a VERY little voice inside my head said "well, she doesn't remember you. She hasn't been your grandmother, it's like she died 5 years ago". Now, that is true, she hasn't really been my grandmother in such a long time. But I thought that would make it easier to say goodbye, but in the end, it's making it harder. When I look at my grandmother, she looks the same as when I was little. Back when I lived with her, and crawled into her bed at night when I got scared. Who would give me cookies before my parents gave me dinner, and I would watch movies with hours on end. I still see that grandmother when I look at her. But, when she looks at me, she see's nothing. Her eyes look like marbles, blankly staring at me. She doesn't remember me. Her sentences aren't put together, and she leaves them unfinished. She doesn't talk about anything important, and you need to ask her several times just to do a simple task. There is no love in her. There isn't anything. What breaks my heart is that although she looks the same, I will never have her again.
But, I feel so shitty about the way I'm acting about it. My heart truly is breaking. But part of me feels relived? And I can just turn all my emotions off. I can tell myself "stop crying. You need to get through today, and you can cry tonight" and I will stop crying. I'll go completely numb for the day, like today. I'm at school right now, and I honestly thought I wouldn't be able to. Isn't this great? At just 14 years old, I've perfected the way to be ice cold.